Again...Not finished.

Here I go again, writing my words to no one in particular, but you. Who ever you are, reading these words from me, the stranger. I have nothing to write, so I play match maker to these words,and make them sound as interesting as i can.
Where do I begin, what is my beggining? What is my end? Where is my middle ground? I dont know. My beggining may be my end. I feel the sun will set for me, and give me peace in the shadow of the day, I feel my skin feels alive when it feels the raindrops caressing it, kissing every inch. The moon stares at me tonight, reading my secrets through my eyes. I embrace this gray world, and i smile at it, I make a toast, to life, to live, to love, to know nothing, to learn everything from strangers, to see the world as a child, to play, never to fret, never to fear, because we only fear what we dont know, and if we dont know it, then why fear it?
I belong to someone, I belong to those waves, to the calm night sea, I belong to the stars, to the silence and the eternal youth of loneliness. I take my tears and embrace them, they make me stronger, they make me face the truth that only the silence knows. I talk alot, maybe its nerves, maybe its fear, I talk alot to lose myself in my voice, to create a smile on a strangers lips.
One day, I, like you, will no longer roam this earth, this atmosphere full of stars and desires, full of humans that wish upon the stars, like children who dream... One day my heart will stop beating, and it will smile. I will go run and play in eternal gardens full of daisies and laughter, pain will cease to exist and tears will only accompany laughter. My hair will be longer and i will wear my crown of flowers, my freckles and my smile. I will stare at the ocean, and think of all of my memories of the greatest people ive known... All of you. My life.
Beauty is in every one of you, of all of us, I just wish you could see it, reach for it, and feel it all over your veins. Life is beauty, everything about it. All those emotions, even the hard ones, even when you feel you are at your lowest, its still beautiful, because, its life, and you have it. Dont let it get you down, its yours, be proud of it.
I think its time you lose control, and stop planning everything. enjoy randomness, enjoy unplanned events, find places you never meant to find, meet strangers you never planned to meet, and love it.

Something not finished

Slowly wishing to fade, she closed her eyes and laid in her bed of stars. The moon shines in silence, trying to comfort her broken heart. This night will never return, for all the nights are so different, so apart, yet so close to one another.. The bell begins to ring, as morning approaches this lonely town, she opens her eyes and shuts out the morning. She begins to move softly, slowly, not making a print on the ground, the sun is too intense. Her routine begins, and shes done, finding herself wondering, of nothing and all.Broken wings have set her apart, deep eyes and wonder fill her silence with loud screams. Crowds pass and go, and she is always there, on her own,watching time dissolve, watching youth unravel into a confusing stage, painting her secrets into an empty canvas...underlining the breath of you. The chants of the munks begin, as she talks to her secret keepers, the animals that reign the home, the castle, the dream world, a world within a thin line of reality created for those intense, horrid sunny days. Only if the rain could come and stay and lay with the ground for a whole entire day. While others seek the sun, those rays of light that blind, to be awake, to be strong, to create a shape called a smile, she seeks the rain, the cloudy afternoons the sound of thunder in the distance, that rush of a evening storm approaching.The lovely feeling of a rainy day, how it keeps those noisy strangers passive and in a way it holds them down from their annoying loudness, their annoying looks, their fakes smiles. Oh how she loves that feeling and freedom of rain.
If she could chose, she would spend her time, in that other world, the world in her mind. That world were everything is so magical, were everything has a purpose and silence is full of laughter and has a beautiful face. That world that you can paint all those feelings and have them become a beautiful work of art, were tears heal the soul, and hearts are not made of glass, and they have the sole purpose of beating and not the 2 purposes, of keeping the body alive as well as loving. She thinks that is the reason for why hearts brake, they are just over worked and underpaid. In a perfect world, the heart would be the battery and love would come from an eternal ocean, that way, if its tried to be broken, it can turn into a tsunami, and come back with a uncontrallable vengance.

Something old, with dust....

A million mondays have passed and the rain wont fail to stop. Living, or is it sleeping and just physically awaken only to use those motor skills as your everyday routine, no sacrifices, no lies, just one long life of never waking up what trully matters. What if lies are just a mantle to cover up the mistakes made by our actions, those actions that never compromise? The say that chalice holds many secrets, the purest blood of all. All those legends, are they myths, or stories that humans refuse to believe because it will go against their vein existence? In that, I recall I saw more than allowed, I felt more than possible, had too many opinions, yet left there standing under the empty sky that drops rain on my now dried up thirsty soul, rain that will eventually try to drown the truth, yet will always fail, because I see beyond those mainstream beliefs. I hear pass your dried up words... I hear the wind blowing pass the dead leaves, pass the stream, pass the empty fields, pass this empty, wasteful town...That wind brings a voice of an old wise soul, i start hearing drum beats in the distance, that old soul begins his chant, I fall in a trance, for the rest of my life, living between reality and fantasy, between dreams and nightmare, between happiness and sorrow, between all those different personalities that live within... Yet only one is needed, that trance will never stop. Those cards read the truth as I lay here upon the melting branches of the earth feeling only the coldness of its dying heart. Looking for a future in her crystal ball, I must have lost balance, as i dropped the future in my feet, and bled forgiveness, and felt the pain of the stars dying and us being so shallow making wishes upon them. Will I be so vain as to put my dreams on that dying ball of gas? Finally discovering why wishes dont come true, I went in further, following his chant, looking for that old wise soul to guide me, to let me drink from his acient chalice, so i can divulge on that purity, on that fable that only a few chosen ones know the truth...The visions never stop... The wolf must be in peace tonight, because the moon is full, good enough excuse for the ignorant to have a reason to act mad, isnt everyone crazy already? Ignorants.
That species, will never evolve until the sales fade, until they realize that money is just paper with a bad smell and an false ideal of power, of security, or self envolvement of the true meaning of the emptyness of this existance. Until then, like I say they will be stuck in a rut. Silly humans tricks are for rabbits and brains are for the uncool, unhip losers, unlike all of you with your namebrand bags and your fake bodies. Humanity cant figure out they are being run by a system, and they are all acting like fucking robots, yet, YET, they find out more ways on how to get faker and faker. One day, we wont even need humans at all, we will all just be purchased from the internet, by some perverted mars inhabitant named Sal. Pathetic. At least I shower and my tits are real.
It fondles my mind how each second differs from the last, as big and small events unfold.

3:21 Am

I am lost. At 28 I thought I would have it all figured out, you know? The confusion. I thought life would make a little more sense, and I would know how to conquer all those little issues that get so knotted and are seen like problems, when they are really just small issues. I have been having weird dreams lately, mostly about my past, that past that seems to never cease to stop haunting me. Am I ready to tell my story? I dont think I will ever be ready.
I always wanted to be someone who is exceptional, someone who is above average; I hate average. I mean that with everything, me as a person, me as an artist, me phisically. I always wanted to be the women others looked at with amazement and mystery. But Im starting to realize, maybe I am just average afterall.
I am not a very sociable person. In fact I am not sociable at all. I cant seem to be comfortable around strangers, I tend to fidget alot and look at the ground, and talk very softly and speak rarely anything. I feel ackward and just not right. I have created a world in me. A world that is mine, and only mine. A world where reality gets amped up, and becomes a fantasy, a world where memories are created just to have a good story to tell.
Who am I? I have asked myself that question for so many years now, and for once I think I am starting to figure myself out. It makes me laugh because I am probably the opposite of what I dreamed of being. But those were just dreams, right?
This is what I have so far. I am an artist, who loves loneliness but is terrified of it at the same time, I believe I havent met my full potential, because I am lazy. Yes lazy.I wish life and oppurtunities where handed to me. I get amazing ideas, but shut them down as soon as they pop up because maybe im a pessimist, even though I have always seen me as a realist.
What about love? Im a big believer that that honeymoon stage everyone speaks of, when you first start dating someone, should be felt for the rest of your life, if you are with the right person. I believe there is a person out there for all of us, I do. I am a hopeless romantic, and that right there is a mean for a broken heart. My heart has been broken, in many different ways, by different people. When I was 14, I remembered my girlfriends and I played the ouija board, and I remembered I asked If I was going to die, and of course, it said yes, then, I asked " How will I die? from what? what is the cause of my death? " And in about 30 seconds, which by the way felt like hours, it wrote, the cause of your death will be from a broken heart. So ever since that moment, I knew it wouldnt be easy.... And at 28, I still believe what that ouija board said.
Love is so so complicated, but no one really tells you. Love does hurt,it tears you apart,it makes you sob like you have never cried before. Yet, love is so strong, so magical, that with a hug, it can help you mend your shattered heart, it will then lift you up, take you to the clouds, just so you can be shattered again...It is a never ending circle. I know life is all about settling down, finding that person compatible enough for you to share your life with. But I believe that is exactly what people are doing, they find that person, and marry them. I believe in the opposite. I believe, you cant just search and find them. I believe in destiny. I believe that you shouldnt compromise, that you shouldnt settle until the right person shows up. That person, will drive you insane, will make you believe their lies, will make you cry, will make you live in a trance of unrealistic battles, but at the end of the day, you will stay with them, because you will realize, they are part of you.You will realize that before them, you never felt things so real, emotions so strong. You will realize that you dont want to go through life without them, because life would be gray. So I came to the conclusion that when I said that love was for masichists, I was right. 100% percent, and well, I am a masochist.
Life is a maze, you enter it, there are no directions, just opinions and advice.You take and listen as you please, you hit many dead ends, many walls, many curves. But what I wonder, once you get to the end, when your years have made you wise, do you understand the meaning of it? does it make any sense? do you finally know who you are? I was once told life was about feeling, being open to feelings, like happiness, anger, sadness. I was once told that sadness was the closest you would ever feel to be alive. That pain was that reminder. That if you were always happy, you were not living, you were just hiding. I am not sure how much of that I believed when I was younger, but now, it begins to make sense. Maybe sadness isnt so bad as we think or as we were trained to think. Maybe happiness is emptiness, because when you trully feel, when you trully want, sadness is always a companion down that road, because its not easy. So when I hear someone talk about how happy they are, for me, they arent living, for me, they are lying to themselves. What is life without heartbrake? without tears, without sadness? what exactly?
What about direction in life? I lack direction. I dont believe money buys happiness. Maybe if it did, maybe I dont want to buy happiness, maybe I just want to feel, to feel the realness of love, of life. I believe you can have all the money in the world, but if you have never trully loved, you never really lived at all, and with a full bank account, one day you will realize, how empty your life really is. I am a firm believer in that. So I feel that is my excuse for lack of direction. And i am ok with that. Im an artist, a poet, a dreamer. Doesnt pay much, but it makes my heart wealthy. Wealthy of feeligs, of love, of hurt, of pain, of happiness, of anger, of realness, of numbness, it makes me wealthy in ways i see important. If you dont agree, thats your opinion, and youre entitled to it, but thats why this is my life, my beliefs, and not yours.

Who am I?

So who am i? I dont even know if I can answer this. I am an intense, moody, visual person, someone who lives through art and its emotions. I let people know what I think and feel, in a very honest way, sometimes too honest. I love my coffee, hence the name, Coffee Chik. I love creating my own fashion, the more looks and glares i get, the happier I am. For me, life is all about being who you are, not trying to be someone you are not. Sometimes it can be hard, because I often tell myself, "well if I can act, or sound like them, then maybe everything would be so much easier" but what would be the point in that? Forget that. I am very complicated, and not easy to figure out at all. I love being alone, I love to think, especially about crazy topics, or random memories. I laugh alot, I analize things way too much. I analize people before I let them become close to me. I have some 6th sense to me. But what matters is that I am a nice, caring person, and I try not to judge anyone, see how I said try? because thats the truth, everyone judges everyone, after all, its human nature. Anyway, this is it for now. Thanks for reading!! :)

Smoochys!!!!!!